Gross. Hugs are gross, I once thought. I don’t want to touch people. I don’t want people touching me. Steer clear, I once prayed. Don’t come near me. Hugs are gross.

My heart would beat pretty quickly if I thought someone was going to hug me; I’d guard my body with my arms and back away just enough to make my message clear, just don’t hug me. I don’t know how to react.

Although I told myself I was afraid of germs, I was more afraid of interpersonal contact – unsure and insecure – whether it would have been a one on one conversation, a hug or even direct eye contact. I just didn’t know how to interact with people my age.

I’m still bad at it, and in some ways, I think I’ll always be a little bit behind. Although now I feel like I’m learning about social situations and how to interact, I’m still delinquent in this area. Everyone else keeps learning. They’re getting better too. I’ll always be behind.

It’s hard to catch up with something that’s moving, and it’s technically impossible to catch up with something when both you and that something are moving at the same rate. That’s how I feel. I’ll never catch up. That would fit on a license plate, right? “BHND 4 LYF”.

I try anyway. What choice do I have? Sometimes I feel like I’m doing well. Other times I feel like a loser. Often inevitably, I’ll cycle from one extreme to the other, back and forth between the two within a span of minutes.

I notice everything. I analyze everything. I’m very critical. In a way, I’m paranoid. This makes it hard, but it’s really not an excuse. I like to think of it as more of a consequence of this insecurity that I’ve developed.

That’s what it is, I try to remind myself. I’m not bad at interactions. I just think that I am. Then I have a little meltdown.

It’s a vivid picture. Me: sitting alone as an adult in a well-decorated, modern house, dressed too well, perfectly disheveled (like in movies), tear stained face, melancholy eyes – wide, tired and gray – then someone from my  life walks in, supposedly as an adult but they look like a seventeen-year-old. “John, you can’t go on like this,” he or she says to me, “when are you going to find someone? People love you, John, but you’re too stubborn and you refuse to help yourself. John..”

Then I stare off into the distance, as in a post-mortem scene of any Lifetime Movie. “No,” I say, “I can’t. It just doesn’t work that way. I’m fine.” I’m only supposed to be thirty, but something about my appearance makes me seem like I’m forty-five somehow, even though I, too, have the exact same features as my seventeen-year-old self. I look old and broken down, presumably because I’m depressed. I have a relation-less life.

In real life, I’m crying at this point: breathing heavily and irregularly, totally losing it, choking on the misery that I’ve contrived.

Strangely, though, it’s comforting. I usually feel confident after these episodes. It’s bizarre when you consider it. I’ve never claimed to be normal.

I was hugged for the first time only about a year ago. It was at an event. (Sorry that this has to be so vague.) A number of people, including me, were leaving, and the host of the event was giving people hugs, “bye! Thanks for coming!” I was standing with my arms crossed just waiting for the hugging rituals to be over. It had become a given. I don’t hug. I don’t get hugs. I just wait it out. Everyone knew. Nobody questioned it or tried to breach protocol. It was scripted and I was half content, half anxious, wishing I could take part.

Everyone else had hugged while I stood back and smiled – arms still crossed. They were still crossed when I turned to walk towards the car when someone tugged on the sleeve of my jacket rather ferociously, pulling me closer. My heart skipped a beat. What was happening?

Somehow, I turned around and lowered my arms.

I can only imagine what I looked like. I barely remember what it felt like, except that it was cozy, sweet. It happened so fast.

I was being hugged. It wasn’t too bad. Had I wanted this? Had I allowed this to happen? Was I being forced?

Reciprocate. Reciprocate the hug. That was instinctive. I had no practice and I had never given it much thought. I’d been unrealistic; I had planned to always avoid this situation. How stupid I had been. Unprepared, I could only mimic what was being done to me. I understood the general concept, of course, but I also understood the general concept of balloon angioplasty, yet I wasn’t going to try it out.

Practice. It takes practice. There wasn’t time.

I squeezed tightly. The other person squeezed me tightly. This person’s arms were wrapped around my upper back, crossing right under my armpits. My arms were on top of this person’s arms, crossing this person’s upper back. Our bodies were squeezed together, and our cheeks touched. It was a cool evening and we were outside, but for that brief moment, I was warm: inside, outside. I think I smiled. I definitely inhaled. It was automatic to try to take it all in – putting my senses into overdrive for about three seconds trying to record every aspect for later review.

We let go. I stepped backwards. “Bye, John! Thanks for Coming!” I turned around and walked away.

Tropicana is the only brand of orange juice that I’ll drink. It was the first kind I ever tried, and I drank it almost exclusively my whole life. It’s my favorite now, and I don’t like other brands as much. If it had been Simply Orange, instead, I’d be just as content, not having known otherwise. Preferences can be developed that way.

I have developed a preference for hugging standing up, hugging tightly, squeezing tightly together.  I’ve come to want the conditions to emulate that night as much as possible. I don’t want to hug sitting down. I don’t want loose hugs. I don’t want arms wrapped around my neck or my lower back. And, for the love of god, don’t pat my back when you hug me. I don’t want anything different. It’s not a very progressive approach, and, although I’m liberal in almost every respect, I have no problem being a conservative hugger. Not yet, I don’t.

Let the record reflect that I’m not a hug whore. I’ve only ever given hugs to a few people. It’s a special thing, to me. I’m not a omg-let-me-give-all-twenty-seven-of-you-hugs-even-though-I’ve-only-known-all-of-you-for-twelve-minutes-but-now-you’re-leaving-so-I’m-hugging-you-goodbye-like-we’ve-been-happily-married-for-thirty-years type of person.

I don’t drink a lot of orange juice, but, when I do, I want the kind I first drank. I want to hug the way I first hugged – for now.

girl walk // all day is seventy-one-minute “music video of epic proportions,” according to director and producer Jacob Krupnick who also operates ShootBooth, a custom photo experience.

Jacob met met Anne Marsen, one of the three main dancers in the video a few years ago while making another video. ”[She] showed-up and blew us away, mixing break-dance, hip-hop, and ballet dance moves in an improvised dance routine.” He knew he wanted to create a longer video with her, but he was waiting for the perfect soundtrack.

He found just what he was looking for just a few months ago when mash-up musician girl talk (Gregg Gillis) released his newest soundtrack, All Day, for free on the internet. “All Day is the perfect score,” Jacob says. “It’s non-stop, super fun to move to, and it’s full of all kinds of layers for the dancers to work with, which is good because they’ll be dancing in public spaces – through subway cars, and hotel lobbies, department stores and baseball games.”

The video is about a young, dissatisfied waitress from a town outside of New York City. One day, fed-up with the monotony of her life, she quits her job and takes the ferry to the city where she finds other dancers, much like herself, who “teach her to fear, love, laugh and live anew.”

When the video is complete, Krupnick intends to screen the full-length film in public places, festivals, parties and more, hoping to inspire an “interactive viewing experience” which he hopes will “evolve into a series of dance parties around the globe.”  He also intends to make his film available to view and download for free online.

As Anne Marsen sees it, “the dream would be being able to dance wherever the hell I want and making other people feel like it’s okay to do that too.”

To help bring her and Krupnick’s dreams to life, one can contribute on kickstarter.com. For more information about girl walk // all day, visit its official website.

girl talk (Gregg Gillis) on myspace (@therealgirltalk, twitter). Download All Day legally, for free.

For more about Jacob Krupnick, visit his online portfolio or read his personal blog. He does not use twitter.

There are the common ways to manipulate a person: direct threats, a visit from the mob, blackmail (which occurs frequently), which can be most effective in an array of situations, unquestionably. One is acutely aware of these “physical” tactics, or, more accurately-stated, these less-psych-driven manipulation strategies. Psychology presents a panoramic selection of techniques as well: reverse psychology, mob psychology, emotional appeals, lies. What I’ve found to be most remarkable, however, is one that I like to call, “promoting untruths without telling a lie.”

One does just that. One plants and cultivates a lie within the mind of someone else without ever communicating the lie to the “victim”.

It’s most effectively practiced on someone one knows, someone emotionally close, because the target person needs to care enough about the manipulator, what the manipulator is saying or, at very least, the topic. One needs to know their victim well, too, because one needs to have a basic understanding of how they think, in order to “lie correctly”. One lets their imagination do the work and intervenes only to ease it in the right direction here and there; the process is subtle.

How is it done?

The technicalities are found in diction, word-order, and variants in word-meaning (using words with multiple connotations or denotations), and by taking advantage of a pre-established context.

In most instances, one aims to make one’s speech as nebulous as possible. The more concrete, certain and complex a statement is, the less room you allot for interpretation on the behalf of your victim.

An example makes it clearer. If the goal is to make one’s victim believe that one had sex last night, one may say, “I didn’t sleep too well last night. My bed is not big enough for two people.” Both statements are true. One may have had a terrible night, not having slept comfortably for whatever reason. One’s bed may, in fact, be too small to effectively fit more than one adult. When juxtaposed, however, the two statements drive the reader (the victim) to infer that one’s sleep was poor because they had slept in their [small] bed with a partner.

By supplying the correct facts and presenting them prudently, one controls the inferences and fosters the lie.

It’s not innovative or new. We’ve all either practiced it, been its victim or have at least witnessed it. It’s sustainable over time and scalable – it can be invoked upon large groups of people or to just one person. Thus, one would assume that we’d have become wise to it by now, yet, even when conscious of it, one falls victim to it regularly.

O’Donnell says Coons will continue to rubber-stamp the spending policies coming from Washington; she does not mention her policies, which one may assume would be to “rubber-stamp” the Bush spending agenda. In response, Coons tactfully asserts “We’re going to try to have a conversation here this evening instead of just a diatribe.” More plainly, he asserts that he will not dismiss her unreasonable direct attacks.

On the deficit question, O’Donnell relies on memorized buzz-words such as “waste”, “fraud” and “abuse”, which “can’t solve a trillion-dollar deficit problem.” Her answer neither cites specific instances of “waste”, “fraud”, and “abuse” nor does it offer her alternative to the spending – although, one cannot be certain that either her or her party have developed such an alternative.

Coons says there are distractions in the campaign because of O’Donnell. In what can only be viewed as a half-hearted attempt to instill jealousy into Coons, O’Donnell responds, “you’re just jealous you weren’t on ‘Saturday Night Live.’” The populace envies you, clearly.

Coons details his views on our military involvement in the Middle-East and remains virtually unchallanged by O’Donnell who, again, fails to present a timeline; to this Coons responds directly to O’Donnell: “I question whether your principles give us any hope of winding up this war on any time line.”

O’Donnell still has a script to read; she sticks to it, calling Coons a “bearded Marxist.” He responds sarnonically, “I am not now, nor have I ever been anything other than a clean-shaven capitalist.” Taken aback, O’Donnell does not respond.

On healthcare, O’Donnell says she would work to fully repeal health care reform bill, “so we can begin to enact real reform.”  She does not detail the “real reform.” One wonders how repealing reform can simultaneously be a step toward reform – how walking backwards can simultaneously be a step forwards.

Of course, her main petition against healthcare reform is that it is forcing emergency rooms to care for “illegal aliens,” whom she believes should be deported, one could conclude.

O’Donnell: “We’ve got to secure our borders first, and then address the problems of guest worker programs.”
Coons: “Allow those who are here illegally and do not commit further crimes to come out of the shadows and pay fine.”

As to exemplify my assertion of ambiguity, O’Donnell does not elaborate on how or when she intends to address the problems of guest worker problems. How can she? Unless she intends to spend money. (Does one recall her use of the words ”waste”, “fraud” and “abuse” in direct reference to spending?) Perhaps we should secure the borders by terminating employment of federal border patrol officers – you know, to save money; to “stop the spending.”; to end the ”waste”, “fraud” and “abuse.”

On civil rights: “don’t ask; don’t tell”:

Coons: “I would move swiftly to repeal ‘don’t ask, don’t tell… repealing ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ is an important next step in the Civil Rights movement.’”
O’Donnell: “I don’t think Congress should be forcing a social agenda on our military. I think it is for our military to decide.”

Not that particular “social agenda,” you mean, O’Donnell? GOP policy is to regularly “force social agendas.” (Stem cell research, abortion.) She had opinions on those issues: she opposed them both, defending her beliefs with her religion. (Separation of church and state, anyone?)

O’Donnell couldn’t answer the same question that stumped Sarah Palin in her interview with Katie Couric about recent Supreme Court decisions. Not shocking whatsoever, but scary.

Asked if she could name a recent supreme court case she disagreed with, O’Donnell said “can you give me a specific one?” She said she couldn’t think of any “off the top of [her] head,” but said decisions she disagreed with would be posted on her website (someone else can post them for her.) Coons said he disagreed with the citizens united decision that both candidates had discussed earlier in the debate.

Coons said that the Citizens United case, which they had discussed just moments earlier, was one he disagreed with. The campaign finance decision, he said, “takes a logical extension in the law to a ridiculous extreme.” In terms of political contributions, the free speech rights of corprations don’t equal the free speech rights of “living breathing citizens.”

Sources: CNN Live; CNN Political Ticker (http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/10/13/delaware.senate.debate/index.html); LA Times Blogs (http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2010/10/christine-odonnell-chris-coons-debate-topic-by-topic-recap.html); The Baltimore Sun Online (http://weblogs.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/zontv/2010/10/odonnell_debate_important_nigh.html)

Paladino, who has gotten support from the Tea Party movement, spoke at a campaign appearance in the Williamsburg section of the borough of Brooklyn to a gathering of religiously and socially conservative Hasidic Jews.

The Republican was drawing contrasts with his opponent, Democrat Andrew Cuomo, New York State’s attorney general, with Paladino using his opposition to gay marriage as one area to underscore differences between the two candidates.

But he went much further than just saying he opposed, and that his opponent supported, gay marriage.

Paladino said:

… We must stop pandering to the pornographers and the perverts who seek to target our children and destroy their lives.

I didn’t march in the gay parade this year, gay pride parade this year. My opponent did. And that’s not the example that we should be showing our children. Certainly not in our schools.

And don’t misquote me as wanting to hurt homosexual people in any way. That would be a dastardly lie. My approach is live and let live.

I just think my children and your children would be much better off and more successful getting married and raising a family. And I don’t want them to be brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid or successful option.

I’m not sure anyone needs to misquote Paladino as wanting to, in his words, “hurt homosexual people in any way,” since his unedited comments will no doubt prove hurtful to many gay and lesbian people.

At another point in his remarks, Paladino verbally cuffed Cuomo for bringing his daughters to the gay pride parade.

Meanwhile, several news sources have reported that Paladino’s speech as written contained even more anti-gay language which he didn’t deliver.

The New York Times reports:

And then, to applause at Congregation Shaarei Chaim, he said: “I didn’t march in the gay parade this year — the gay pride parade this year. My opponent did, and that’s not the example we should be showing our children.”Newsday.com reported that Mr. Paladino’s prepared text had included the sentence: “There is nothing to be proud of in being a dysfunctional homosexual.” But Mr. Paladino omitted the sentence in his speech.

About an hour after Mr. Paladino’s remarks, Mr. Cuomo’s campaign released a statement condemning them.

“Mr. Paladino’s statement displays a stunning homophobia and a glaring disregard for basic equality,” it said. “These comments along with other views he has espoused make it clear that he is way out of the mainstream and is unfit to represent New York.”

Monday morning, Paladino tried to appear less strident about, and more understanding of, homosexuality. Responding to anchor Matt Lauer’s questioning on NBC’s Today show, Paladino said he would hire gays into his administration if he were elected governor and mentioned that he has gay staffers in his campaign as well as a gay nephew.

(See clip from the Today Show: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32545640)

He said his comments were limited to efforts to expose children to what some call the gay agenda. Or the gay pride parade, for that matter.

PALADINO: Young children should not be exposed to that at a young age. They don’t understand it. It’s a very difficult thing. And exposing them to homosexuality, especially at a gay pride parade, and I don’t know if you have ever been to one, but they wear these little Speedos and they grind against each other and it’s just a terrible thing.

The controversy also provided further insight into how the Paladino campaign operates.

The Republican nominee indicated that the section of the speech that has embroiled him in more controversy was provided by his hosts and, it appears, were even too excessive for him. So he omitted them.

Another excerpt from Paladino’s interview with Lauer:

LAUER: If you’re running for the highest office in the state of New York and you show up at events and they hand you a piece of paper and say ‘Here, that is what you have to say’

PALADINO: I read it and I crossed out that remark about dysfunctional. That is not me.

Source: NPR.org | National Public Radio (http://www.npr.org/blogs/itsallpolitics/2010/10/11/130487561/carl-paladino-gay-life-not-as-valid-as-straight)

And so… we’re actively taking steps that not only discriminate against American citizens, but also… make us less safe?

And we’re doing this because… John McCain and others think that gay sex is kinda… icky?

Okay, got it.”

(via leftake.com